Life ...or Something Like It

I must admit that I have a pretty hard time not comparing myself to others.  Not so much in the financial sense, like those who prioritize thusly: "Look at me and how much stuff I have and how expensive it all is and the big house I put it all in and the cars that fill my garage!"  More in the realm of just how differently others, be it family or friends, live a life more aligned with the "American Dream," I guess. 

 

And I know know know that I am not supposed to compare any part of me & my life with anyone else's.  We each have our own path, our own journey, our own secret struggles and no one is conscious of what another's daily life truly entails when looking from the outside, aka Facebook!!

 

And in no way am I saying that my life or lifestyle is above anyone's either.  So far from it!

 

We lived the "American Dream"-type life for a decade or so.  We owned a home, had steady long-term, career-oriented jobs. 

 

But, I just don't think all that is right for me.  Well, not any longer.  Or, at least, not for now.

 

Other than the monthly amount being less, I don't miss owning a place of our own.  I like not having to be on the hook for big maintenance issues (now that our landlord lives in the same state, unlike Ogden Dunes!).  Yet, I can't help feeling a little untethered.  Much of that probably stems from the fact that we lived in the Ogden Dunes rental only a year and we will only be in this Longmont rental the same, so we aren't settling in too much.

 

I did the whole college thing and put myself through school to obtain a bachelor's degree and went a little extra for some grad work.  I worked for over a decade in my field of study.  And I think I am done with it.  I am burned out on all things criminal justice. 

 

I keep bouncing around the idea, one I have had for many years, of attending esthetician school and I can go to a great place west of Denver starting in the fall, after we move.   I think I am a bit scared.  Should I spend the money?  Will I enjoy the work?  Will I be able to get with a plastic surgeon's practice???  I have read that it is good to be scared when facing a challenge; it means it is worth the risk.

 

We have some retirement accounts (that may or may not be making us future gains), I have a very small pension and we like to live simply.  I am very used to working and worrying for the "what ifs", so this not knowing where I am headed and not contributing to our current living needs leave me anxious. 

 

I would love to be my own boss...but at what?!? 

 

I see others my age who seem to be in their place, to be enjoying said place, to be thriving in said place.  Again, I feel untethered.  Unsure where my place is.

 

Then I need to strongly and loudly remind myself that I am living MY dream, Jennifer's dream.  And I really don't believe that Jennifer's dream is akin to the American Dream.  I am wandering, with my own little band of gypsies.  We are figuring it out as we go, which is new to me.  I am working hard everyday to feel comfortable in this role, along this part of the journey.  I should feel adventurous, but instead I find myself at the corner of anxious and adrift. 

 

I have to put my faith into my journey and my compass, the one with which I am branded for life.  MY adventurous life!!!